This originally was a post on the original zulugrid.com back in August of 2003. My views have changed somewhat in the past 5 years, but here is the original anyways. This is a cut-and-paste from the Word Document.

Update 29 Jun 2008: I’ve changed tremendously since I wrote this. My beautiful fiancee, Becca, fails miserably at several of these (litterbug!). I fail even worse at more of them (college dropout…). But that doesn’t matter. We love each other and are willing to compromise to make each other happy. She accepts my huge nose, I accept her thumb-cankles, and we’ll live happily ever after. The End.

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My Ideal Mate: A somewhat humorous look at what I want in a wife.

By Jacob Allred

I was just sitting there thinking one day, and somehow started to think of what attributes my ideal wife would have. I’m not talking about stuff like beautiful eyes, or great kisser, or anything like that, but more along the lines of what that person chooses to do. And I’m not saying that even I fulfill my ideal attributes. I know I have some stuff I need to work on so don’t go contacting me saying I’m a hypocrite because I’m not. This is simply a list of what I would like my wife to be like, not necessarily what anyone is capable of. So anyways, this is my list, with commentaries.

Items are in no particular order.

Doesn’t smoke, drink alcohol, drink coffee, use illegal drugs, or abuse legal drugs.

This is very important to me. First off, smoking is disgusting. It smells, it damages your skin, teeth, lungs, hair, and every other part of your body, damages your future children, and costs tons of money. Why would anyone ever smoke?? Alcohol I guess is a bit more understandable. It too smells and damages your body, but at least you get something out of it. Why people would enjoy looking like idiots, I am not sure, but hey, free agency. Many drugs have effects that last for decades, or reappear years after taking the drugs. Why would you risk screwing up your future by taking drugs? Perhaps I just don’t get what is so appealing about giving up your agency to a chemical.

Is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and is worthy to enter the temple.

I will not marry someone who is not of the same faith as me. That is just asking for trouble. From the way I see it, one of three things could happen: One, she could later join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Statistically, this doesn’t happen much in mixed-faith marriages. Two, she could pull me away from my religion. I love my church and don’t want to be tempted. Three, she sticks with her religion, I stick with my religion, and our kids end up having no religion because they see how it affects their parents. If you are a religious person, don’t be stupid: marry within your faith.

Understands what finance charges are and avoids them like the plague.

A finance charge is when you are stupid and do something that costs you money to spend your money. A good example of this is getting cash advances on your credit card, or over drafting with your checking account, or not paying off your credit card in full every month. Finance charges are a waste of money! And I don’t want a wife who needlessly wastes my money. (Excuse me, “our” money. Or perhaps “her” money, depending on our situation…)

Doesn’t want dogs, birds, rabbits, or snakes as pets.

Dogs are big, smelly, and are too dumb to pee in an easily cleaned litter box. Birds are loud, dirty, and generally annoying. Rabbits are food. Snakes aren’t real pets. They just sit in a cage doing nothing, except eating your pet rabbits and birds. I’m okay with hamsters though.

Puts trash in the proper waste receptacle.

I hate litterbugs. How hard is it to wait five minutes until you reach your destination to throw away the trash in your car? Littering lowers property values and just generally makes your town look disgusting.

Doesn’t drink excessive amounts of soda.

Soda is carbonated. Carbonic acid destroys your teeth. Most soda is also darkly colored, which stains your teeth. I don’t want a toothless wife, or even worse, a wife with brown/black teeth.

Brushes twice daily. And flosses.

Again, I don’t want a toothless wife. Also, it is a major turn off to kiss someone with a dirty mouth. Yuck.

Doesn’t use foul language, including foreign curse words or taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Swearing is swearing no matter what language you use. I don’t like it. It shows that you are too stupid to think of a non-swear word to say, or can only think of a couple of words to use to emphasize something or express your anger. And taking the Lord’s name in vain is the worse kind of foul language. I don’t like being around people who say “God” or “Jesus” in a disrespectful way every 5 minutes. How hard is it to say “gosh” or “jeesh”?

Doesn’t steal.

Legally, everything a married couple owns, they own together (generally). That doesn’t mean I want to wake up with an empty wallet.

Accepts responsibility for their actions.

If you screw up, admit it. If a person can’t admit when they do something wrong, then they will blame everything on the nearest person, or in other words, their spouse. At least that’s my view on it.

Reads the scriptures every day.

I want to marry someone who has a strong belief in Jesus Christ and His teachings. I know from experience that the only way to keep this belief is to read the scriptures every day. On a non-religious note, reading the scriptures every day also increases literacy.

Wants to have children.

I would like to have children one day. This doesn’t mean I will refuse to marry someone because they can’t have children, as there is always adoption, but my ideal wife will want to have children.

Looks forward to having Family Home Evening.

Statistically, families that hold anything that even closely resembles “Family Home Evening” have less trouble within their family and their children are less likely to do drugs, drink alcohol, or join gangs. They are also less likely to commit violent crimes. All it takes is one or two hours once a week. Considering all the benefits your family will receive, I think it is worth it.

Can cook at least a few good meals.

I’m not looking for a world famous chef, but a few good meals are necessary. Even easy stuff would be fine, just as long as we aren’t eating out of boxes or eating fast food every day.

Doesn’t watch inappropriate movies, even if they do have a PG-13 rating.

Just because a movie has a PG-13 rating doesn’t mean it is a good movie to be watching. An easy example of this is those Austin Powers movie. Those movies were filled with sexual references, bad language, and anything else you can think of, and yet it somehow got a PG-13 rating. One of the movies was even titled “Austin Powers in Goldmember”. You don’t see an inappropriate reference in that name? I don’t want to marry someone who wants to see movies like that.

Is comfortable with who they are, even if they aren’t wearing makeup or looking their best.

I’m thinking kind of along the lines of Johnny Lingo here. People who know they are beautiful tend to be beautiful. When you are married, you obviously think your wife is beautiful, even if she just woke up and hasn’t any makeup on and her hair is messed up. I don’t want to have to spend 90% of my life reassuring my wife of her beauty.

Has a college degree (or is working towards one), and supports me in my continuing education.

It is hard to get a decent job nowadays without a college degree, or a lot of experience in a specialized field. Getting a lot of experience in a specialized field generally isn’t easy. Where I am going with this is that if my family hits hard times and needs money, my wife may need to work. She wouldn’t have to work as many hours if she had an education because she would get paid more. Also, I think she would feel her life was more fulfilled if she had an education. I plan on going to school my entire life. I expect my wife to support this.

Rinses her dirty dishes and puts them in the dishwasher.

I don’t understand people who bring their dishes into the kitchen and leave them on the counter. Even in big kitchens the sink is only like what, a max of 10 feet away? You can’t take your dish to the sink, spend 10 seconds rinsing it, and then 5 seconds putting it in the dishwasher? Come on! It saves whoever does the dishes a ton of time and relieves them of a bit of stress. Considering the wife traditionally does the dishes, whoever she will be should be happy that I have gotten into the habit of rinsing my dishes and putting them in the dishwasher.

Separates darks from whites before doing laundry.

People think I have a lot of money because I have nice things and a nice job. Well the thing is, I have a relatively low-paying job and all my things are used, gifts, or I got great deals on them. Separating darks from whites extends the life of the clothing, which means I don’t have to buy clothes as often, which means we have more money to spend on more important things. Or even if I buy clothes just as often as before, the clothes will be in better condition so they can be donated to thrift stores to help out somebody else who is looking for some cheap clothes.

Uses nice smelling shampoo.

Call me weird, but I love the feel and smell of hair (on the head I mean). There is just something about it that is super great. A nasty smelling shampoo is a major turnoff.

Doesn’t burn incense.

Incense wreaks havoc with computers. It puts particles into the air which discolor plastics, clothing, and furniture, and leaves dust everywhere. It is also kind of like smoking. I mean, when you smoke you are inhaling unhealthy particles that get stuck in your lungs and make it harder to breath and can cause lung cancer. Incense, like I said, puts nasty little particles into the air that you also breath in and that get stuck in your longs. It wouldn’t surprise me if these incense particles also cause cancer. So incense is a definite no.

Is not a member of the Democratic Party.

The Democratic Party’s philosophy does not match up with mine at all. Yes, it is nice and all to give money to those who need it, but how does it help anyone to take 50% of an upper-middle-class person’s income, and then give only 25% to the “poor”, and only MAYBE half of that actually goes to someone who NEEDS it and isn’t just looking for a free handout. Wouldn’t it be better if we cut out the government and left charity work to churches and good will organizations, like in the old days?

Regularly goes to church.

I’m emphasizing this one quite a bit on this list. I’m not marrying someone who isn’t an active member of my religion.

Pays tithing.

I’m going to pay my tithing when I am married. I’ve been paying it for years and can clearly see the benefits. Some of you may just say it is coincidence, but I say it is God. If my wife doesn’t pay tithing, it will clearly cause a problem when I decide to give away 10% of my gross income. It would just be much easier if my wife was already used to paying tithing.

Avoids music that promotes inappropriate activities or contains foul language.

I don’t like songs that only have 3 words after the bad language is taken out. I also don’t like songs that talk about having sex. They make me uncomfortable.

Likes chick-flicks and drags me to them even if I pretend I don’t want to see them.

I admit that I like chick-flicks. Some of them, however, are so chick-flicky that I won’t admit to wanting to see them. Therefore, my wife has to like chick-flicks, and has to want to drag me to them so that I can see them.

Will let me give my first son the middle name of “Jacob”.

My middle name is my dad’s first name, so it is only fair that my first son’s middle name be my first name. She can do whatever she wants with the second son though.

Chews with her mouth shut.

This is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I can possibly imagine. Hearing someone else chew makes me want to vomit.

Doesn’t care if I wear the same tie every Sunday.

I have a few ties, but I generally wear the same one every Sunday. Why? I don’t know. Habit I guess. But I don’t want to be worrying about which tie I wore last Sunday so I don’t wear the same tie two weeks in a row.

Enjoys picnics.

If you haven’t been on a picnic, then you are missing out. Picnics are great. Simply get some food together (KFC works great), get a blanket, and go to a nice sunny grassy area with some friends. It is more fun than it sounds.

Uses her turn signal when appropriate and turns her headlights on when it is dim outside.

WHY DON’T YOU IDIOTS USE YOUR BLINKERS?!?!?! It takes like 1/1000 of a second to turn it on, and it generally turns itself off. It lets other people know you are turning so they don’t rear-end you when you suddenly stop for no apparent reason. It keeps you from getting expensive tickets. It lets other people know you are turning so that they can go ahead and turn themselves in a different direction (think about it and it will make sense). And headlights are important, too! When it is even a little dim outside it can be hard to see the other cars on the road. Headlights are NOT just for your benefit. They are there so other cars can see you. I cannot tell you how many times I almost hit or got hit by some idiot who was driving with his headlights off when it was dim/dark outside.

Will make me tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich when I am sick.

When I feel sick, I want tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. I don’t get sick too often so I don’t think that’s too much too ask.

Can keep a secret.

I want to be completely open and honest with my wife, but that will be hard to do if she goes and tells everybody everything I tell her.

That pretty much sums it up. If you were offended by any of this, then you need to lighten up a bit… Life is too boring to take seriously.